Much as we love them and fuss over them, most middle names don't matter a great deal when it comes to name style. Most of us go by just our first names, reserving the full three-part name for ceremonial occasions. Only a small fraction of Americans regularly make a middle name part of their image, like the down-home style of a Billy Ray Cyrus or the imposing presence of a William Randolph Hearst.

But middle names shine in the functional arena. For instance, they can help a teacher make sure that Emily Grace Jones doesn't get the report card intended for Emily Alden Jones -- and help him remember that Emily Alden Jones's parents are Ms. Alden and Mr. Jones.

For anyone adopting a marital surname, using a maiden name as a middle name serves another function: continuity. It connects your past and present identities, and helps people from earlier stages of your life recognize the new you.

These are challenging times indeed for the initial-sensitive.  Between text-speak, marketing speak and good old-fashioned slang, these days there's an acronym or abbreviation for just about everything.  Pity the poor parent who sees the worst possible meaning in every set of initials. If you look hard enough and are good enough at wordplay, you'll find unsavory associations in countless pairs of letters, not to mention name anagrams and spoonerisms.

With the last initial D you're in particularly hairy territory.  Even if you choose a "clean" initial pair today, there is no guarantee that tomorrow the medical community -- and its pharmaceutical marketers -- won't discover some new "Disorder," "Disease" or "Dysfunction" that KOs your perfect initials. 

Dear Seeking,

You're asking about one naming divide, male vs. female. But you're looking past another divide, first vs. middle. And in your case, that makes all the difference.

First though, the question you asked. Yes, the chatter is true: many parents today are choosing traditionally male names for their daughters. Any boy's name with a shred of connection to the feminine can be a target for crossover. A vowel sound ending, like Micah or Emory, does the trick. Same for a name root that can yield a girlish nickname, like Emerson called Emmy, or Elliot called Ellie.

But Bennett doesn't fill the bill so easily. Bennett has a classically masculine sound and it crops to Ben, a name that remains squarely in the boys' column.

Ah, Lou, you’ve fallen into the clutches of a naming demon that plagues many second-time parents. Call it the “back on the market blues.”

When you chose your first child’s name, you reached closure. You put away the baby name books and websites and moved on with the business of parenthood. But now you’re expecting again, and the name search is reopened. You look through new lists, and notice new names on TV or in books. You find a perfect name for your new baby. Or maybe two, three or four perfect names. You find yourself falling in love with new names you had never even considered for your first baby – possibly names that wouldn’t have appealed to you the first time around. (Two years of parenthood changes your worldview, after all.) You end up with a delayed case of namer's remorse. 

For the middle names question, allow me to refer you to the 41st and 43rd presidents of the United States. That would be George Herbert Walker Bush and his son George Walker Bush -- not George Bush Jr.

Traditional namesake rules say that a Junior is an exact namesake, no adding and subtracting parts. That makes sense if you think of the purpose of the Jr. suffix as distinguishing between identically named family members.

This rule is simply a matter of custom, not law. 

"Trashy ghetto stripper?" What a sweet and tactful response to an expectant mother!

"Trashy" is in the eye of the beholder, but the exotic dance profession does have its naming conventions. Stage names are chosen to promote the aura of fantasay. The literal approach is popular -- you'll find many strippers performing under names like Heaven, Angel and Bliss. The other common style is long, lacy names like Arianna and Cassandra. These have a near-tactile femininity, the name equivalents of lingerie.

Dear Mom,

I'm happy to tell you that propriety isn’t an issue. When it comes to punctuating double-barrel names, the U.S. is an anything goes kind of place. Every approach to doubling is used and approved, so you can’t get it wrong. This is great news for creativity and flexibility, but bad news for decision making.  Never fear, though. With attention to the practical over the proper, you can work out some rough guidelines.

 First, let’s talk about why hyphens are so handy.

It's all too common for family members to want the same baby name.  Shared cultural backgrounds and personal reference points lead us to the same choices. In fact, it's a wonder that more Big Sisses and Little Bros aren't at each other's throats over "stolen" names.

Assuming nobody has a unique connection to the name, the Name Lady's rule of thumb is generally what you suggest: first come, first served. As you rightly point out, just because your brother likes the same baby name as you, doesn't mean he'll ever actually have the chance to use it. 

My sympathies to you and your husband. A name that's associated with the loss of a child can be a painful reminder of hopes and futures unfulfilled. When the departed child is a namesake there can be an added sting, as the name symbolizes the family traditions that the child won't be able to carry on. It sounds like you and your husband are very attached to the idea of having a Junior. It must seem cruel to have to give up that dream. Is giving a new baby the exact same name as a brother who died legal? Yes. Is it common? No -- at least, not in modern America.

Huzzah for thinking creatively about the fundamental last name problem. How can a family come up with a name meaningful for all members that slights the genealogies of none of them? I’m in favor of any name-composing strategy that expands parents' choices, so I’m pleased to consider both hyphenating and, shall we say, “uniwording.” Rather than annointing a right approach, I take it on a case by case basis.

A last name serves dual, sometimes dueling, purposes: the emotional and the practical. You want your name to be meaningful to you and your family, and to help fuse separate individuals together into a family. A surname choice can be poignant, romantic, and symbolic. But at the end of day, the darn thing also needs to be useful.